Monday, September 5, 2011

So I Told My Wife She’s Been Retro-Conned

It is sad but true. My wife did not take it very well, but I told her I still loved her and she would be a supporting character in my life and maybe a love interest at times, but she will stay in the mix. I told her it wasn’t a divorce; it was just that all of the marketing data was pointing to the fact that my life would be more interesting if the romantic interest angle was in my story line. I mean with her knowing all my secrets it is not as interesting as me trying to hide my double identity from a new girl. How much fun is it to have to make lame ass excuses to get out of a date, hide my costume from her or hurriedly leave some event? Heck I told her not to worry as with a retro-con we will never have been married so she won’t miss what she never had.

She was miffed. She said something about retro-con this asshole and slammed the day as she took off to sleep in a hotel room. I would have been worried and upset about her leaving, but I know by tomorrow morning reality will have been re-set and the marriage will be nothing but a fading dream. Gosh if the retro-con goes back far enough and my first marriage is wiped out I could be saying goodbye to Gwen and Jamie also (my daughters). So that means all of my stories about them growing up, all the good times that my wife and I have had will be gone. This sounds like a crappy deal. Hey Mephisto come back here buddy we need to talk, this deal sucks and it is like a deal with the devil – oh crap. 

I get that the companies want to have Barry, Supes, Peter and all foot loose and fancy free, but it really comes down to not advancing these characters and keeping them forever stuck in amber. Also since 95% of the characters don’t even have a private life, dumping the spouse is not losing anything since we haven’t seen any hero have a private life for years with few exceptions. It is still a cop out because being married and having children is an adventure and better writing can make it a part of the story. Look at the FF, they have two kids who are about 40 and 30 respectively, but even trapped as kids they are adding to the story, not detracting. 

So good-bye Lois, Linda, Iris, Mary Jane and Mera and hope to see you around, maybe one day our heroes will get together with you again and then we can retro-con you out again in some later year. At least most of them still exist I think Wally and Linda maybe totally written out.

So why do comic books suck, because the characters have to remain stagnant and true growth never happens with the big two or at least only last a little while.


  1. Excellent satire, but also disturbing.

    The fact that Barry is now single, drove me away from the Flash book completely. Each company should have an imprint called Happily Married After where all our favorite couples continue to exist. Spider-Girl will be there. Ron Frenz said that "people-in-charge" repeatedly wanted them to kill of Peter in the book. But they refused, because Spider-Girl was all about family. The only place to get family now is Life with Archie.

  2. Comic Companies suck because they think after a character gets married the drama disappears. A a divorced man, let me tell you, with marriage the drama is just beginning!

    *joking. kinda.*